sheepoverboard.com

Our pick of personals trawled from the local ink slingers

When you first read a personal classified, the hoped-for person of your dreams soon melts into a cliché of twenty clumsy words.

On this basis you decide to start a relationship??

As a window into the hapless loser’s mind opens wide, you forgive them their spelling mistakes, poorly-chosen words, inappropriate phrases. After all, there but for a slip of the pen go you.

Writing a personal that sounds just right is the hardest thing in the world - except making the phone call!

Not only the acronyms need explaining, but those strange coded words and phrases you read in the personals classified.

What exactly is that (strange foreign) person saying in their dating advertisement? After all, you don’t want to make a fool of yourself - at least not immediately:

Ladies, when men specify "slim attractive lady" you should be very wary. A man who wants ’slim attractive’ has done YOU a favor - skip him! He wants a dream, not a person.

Men, don’t say that in your personals! There isn’t a woman on Earth who believes she IS "slim and attractive". More importantly, examine your motives deep down for even thinking that way.

BBQ - barbecue (shrimps are NOT barbequed in Australia; only the cheapest, toughest cuts of beef steak and totally-inedible, indigestible sausages)
Caring - not wife beater, at least
Christian - code for non-Moslem
Cuddly - 150% overweight or greater
Dancing - breaking him in
Dining out - wild sex
DTE - Down to Earth (and if you are lucky, not an alien)
Div - Divorced (so they say)
Financially secure - you that is, because I’m out of work
For friendship - wild sex
GSOH - Good sense of humor
Guy - gay with Australian accent
Height 5′4, 6′1", etc - height in feet+inches [multiply feet by 12 for inches, total inches by 2.5 for centimetres, then divide by 100 for meters]
Lady - female with shameful past
Lesbian - east Mediterranean
Medium size - cuddly, by the time we meet
Must be employed - you (as I said), because I’m out of work
Mutually interesting - the best hoped for by two boring people
New age - just had birthday
ND - non-drinker
NS - non smoker
Nice personality - known to speak
Possible relationship - wild sex
Quality time - wild sex
Quiet nights at home - wild sex
Refined lady - probably a slut
Rural man/woman - stubble jumper; expects you to have a horse, or at the very least transport for theirs
SD - social drinker
SS - social smoker
Sensitive - apologises when beating you
Size - Needs a web page of its own! Varies by country, so take care. Assume dress size - few ladies boast their breast parameters.
Slim - only 20-50% overweight - or, just started to diet
Thin - haven’t eaten today
Walks on the beach - wild sex
WLTM - would like to meet
WLM - would like meat
yo - years old (or African American greeting)

And below, these real examples of how NOT to get the attention of your lover-to-be.

• Attractive 44yo, positive, outgoing, sincere, educated professional person, enjoys sailing, boating, renovating, seeks financially independent, educated professional gentleman, no ties ….. brave enough - let alone qualified! Assume pre-nup, merger contract, his & her yachts
• 19 male, fun, GSOH, loves music, cars n just about everything. I want to meet 18-22 yo down to earth girl for relationship. I want kids within the next 4 years. Kids already, that’s great…. I’ll get back to you
• Attractive bubbly 45yo lady, looks and feels much younger….. you can easily tell a person’s age by feeling them
• Single man, 40, fit, intelligent, searching for a slim, witty babe for adventure, travel, 4WD. I’m still stuck in the 80’s . Ph. me you retro chicky babe before I get old and boring… yeah, get him while he’s young and boring
• Terrific 68yo. Taurean lady, well spoken .. Seeks man of integrity, kind, caring, funny, outgoing, loyal, who will be kind to my Maltese pooch…. silly me, I’m reading the ‘Help Wanted’ section Attractive 36yo lady … Looking for a man born in 1959 or 1971… umm, I was born in both of those years. Can I come over now?
• 32yo lady .. seeks man 6′2", NS, ND, solid build, dark hair and eyes and a kind heart.. I know you’re out there somewhere…. No one called? Relax the specifications, try "between 6 foot 1 inch and 6ft 3in.
• Two ladies, friendly, genuine, caring with GSOH seeking 2 males 45-55 who enjoy fishing, BBQs, …… and we still go to ladies room together
• 29yo mother likes horses, bands, outings, seeking .. must be a gentleman and secured…. handcuffed OK?
• Hi if you’re 50-62yo male looking for a lady 55 NS SD likes dancing BBQs music movies dining in or out, please give me a ring… or a car, or house
• Bi couple looking for Bi couple interested in 4×4WD, beach, fishing…… and 2×2on2
• So many phonies, who is out there who is real? An intelligent, exquisitely beautiful lady of genuinely loving action and faith in God seeks a gentle kindhearted loyal for life, sincere, attractive, well-educated Christian man who can value the sincerity of my heart above all earthly things… only messiahs need apply
• Piscean seeking soul mate, 50’s, SS SD fit young at heart. I love animals, boats, fishing, …… Hi, I’m Nemo!
• 40yo easy going gent NS, ND, into horses (Thoroughbreds). Looking for lady 30-40 years with genuine interest in horses ….. if it doesn’t work out, there’s always the horses
• Single lady seeking permanent partner romantic passionate loving sincere honest spontaneous GSOH, a good kisser who can steam up the car windows, NS 48-58 around 5′10", no body odor…. dang, got me on body odor!
• Where are you Prince Charming? I want to spend candlelit dinners at home with you, romantic nights out, weekends away. I can light up your life …… with candles?
• A caring, educated, early 60s gentleman wishes to meet 50-60yo elegantly slim 10-12 lady with no ties and time to experience a variety of new and existing common interests as a friend and companion that may lead to a romantic relationship…. or may not. Next!
• Good 40yo man wanting to find the love of his life, NS SD GSOH, a thin, pretty lady, between 30-40, singly loved woman, no divorcees or separated ladies, no children …… right, I bet the phone hasn’t stopped ringin’
• Olivia, Filipino lady, could you please call Ron… again, louder!
• 40yo 6′ active intelligent modern guy GSOH morals and values, seeks intelligent reasonably slim, reasonably attractive lady, friendship view relationship… unreasonably fat & unattractive don’t call
• A lady of 47 going onto 48 …… as most 47 year olds are
• Lonely young man seeks a lonely mature lady 37-52 passionate, sensual, cute, smart, naughty and nice. Wants a toy boy…. mum, stop calling. I know it’s you
• Attractive lady seeking guy with GSOH, NS, enjoys dancing, dining out, movies, well-groomed, romantic, loyal, must love animals for a permanent relationship if compatible…. compatible with your pets?
• Australian gent, Arackney, 71 years, would pass for 61 or 62, carry’s age very well …
  .. honest, could be mistaken for 55 in total darkness
• Older man seeks an educated single Chinese or Japanese lady preferred English not important…. err, let’s run through this again
• DTE fun-loving male 40yo WLTM attractive slim lady for friendship, outings, conversation. No big girls please. …… hey! I’ll find out where the bastard lives and let you big girls know
• Fantasy man 35yo genuine, discreet, masculine, model looks, wishing to meet lonely attractive women…. and give them pleasure for money
• Swedish man 29, 6′3 fit and blonde, NS, SD, very GSOH, intelligent, creative and gifted in the arts ……. yep, and I’m Bill Gates
• Sixty-one yo looking for average Joe 60-70 yrs with no hang ups …
  .. but can still get it up
• Bitter twisted & disillusioned at 32, unattractive ungrateful wench seeks 30-40yo man to be disloyal and dishonest with…. I’ll .. get back to you
• Interesting loving active retired lady …. … to enjoy quality times and mutually interesting activities together…. interesting yes. But romantic?
• Widow mid 70’s nice personality, with principles would like to meet educated man …… vice-principles OK?
• Woman 45yo slim attractive … seeking 35-40yo man …with a GSOH, extremely clean (house clean). My children are grown up and looking for a man with the same for good time and a great relationship. Genuine people only need apply… Huh? Am I dating you or your children - or both??
• Ardent tall slim actor & p/t teacher. Young virile handsome romantic 50 NS caring cultured loyal sensitive new age. Old fashion values & virtues. Simple tastes, pleasures. U: DTE Similar: Sensuous Sim/med 45-65 no ties Arts/craft: non-material. Ready: Co/Habit; Grow; Hear Mind Body Soul Mutual Creative Perm. Positive LTC Mates. Pref CC P/sula…. Oh Hi! My name is .. .. arr forget it!
• Pisces lady 59 looking for an honest sincere, caring, down to earth man, looks don’t matter. I’m 98kgs but losing it …… Honey, we’re all losing it!
• Mum 38yo medium/cuddly size wishes to meet gen. guy on farm …… See you in the pig pen
• Easy going fit guy NS ND intelligent GSOH mid-40s seeking a slender, affectionate, calm and relaxed lady for permanent relationship… must have own Valium
• Silver touches my temple yet I have a heart of gold … seeking a true, loving partner…. my body is bronzed, muscles of iron, steely willed, feet of lead, my dome approaching chrome, mercurial of temperament, tinny on dates, galvanized into action, copper by profession .. oh, and I live in the rust belt. Zincing of you … shall we meet in the brasserie?
• Cuddly employed 25yo living on peninsula into music, nights out and good time…… most peninsulas are into water
• Feminine lady 54 slim DTE caring honest … WLTM genuine male to share life 50-59 view relationship. No mobiles…. aww, can’t I just keep it turned off?
• Hi, 40yo male new to area likes footy nights at home …… yo, homey. We don’ do footy nights ‘roun dis hood
• Male 37yo 6′, big fella requires soul mate companionship, n/s, s/d, enjoys 4WD, quiet nights in out going to movies, traveling, etc…. and be sure to bring the "big fella" gift-wrapped
• Male 24yo no strings attached, quite, loyal … like to meet lady, age open, genuine, slim, no strings attached…. OK, we’ve clarified the "no strings" policy, now about that blind, forgiving love
• 27yo wheeling, NS, GSOH …like to meet fit girl with GSOH 24-30yo… wheeling? I’m missing something here (hmm, not on the acronyms page either)
• 32yo solid build gentleman seeking lady .. must like bbq’s, picnics, must be affectionate, must have good personality… you vill comply? Jawohl Herr Kapitan
• 40yo sole parent .. not into pubs, clubs or church but believe in God. I love ethics, animals, kids & wilderness. Seeking soul mate of similar makeup… ethics? I love ethics
• Grandfather, 77, widower, seeking convivial campany (male and female) on drives to various places, ferry trips, galleries,…… "campany" - very rad, gramps!
• Good looking educated ambitious Asian girl looking for someone special. Must be employed …… part of me say ‘Yes!’, part say ‘Run away!’
• Hi I am 59yo blonde hair brown eyes 5′4" tall NS SD I like walking, dining out, going to the movies. If you would like to get in contact p lease give me a call….. seeking blonde eyes, brown hair
• Seeking a rural man around 50. I have blue eyes brown hair, slender, stylish, gentle, articulate, inquisitive and loyal, cares for ecology, enjoys animals, horse riding, biology, computers, reading, cultural events, dining, dancing, financially secure, would like to hear from similar rural NS male…. oops, wrong planet
• Christian 47yo looking for a Christian partner who loves church and his Lord. Take me as I am to enjoy the good times together… yo! Born-again sinner!
• Caring man 49 GSOH SD SS medium build no ties enjoys films sport beach nights out seeks lady to early 60s with no ties for friendship possible relationship… so, neither of us should wear a tie?
• Caring 27yo looking for a lady to spend my life…… and my money
• Free to good home 31yo active male, affectionate and loyal, big brown eyes and coat, not desexed, house trained, known to bite. Enjoys days out. Seeks friendly pussy cat for friendship or relationship… promise not to lick balls on first date
• Financial business man. I am generous, kindhearted and loving gentleman. Seeking same, slim 18-25 for relationship, free accommodation…. free for me, that is
• … and you are between 40-48 give us a call. Myself, 48yo, tall, blue eyes, easy going…. Hello, err .. is "Myself" there - um .. could I speak to "Myself"? (is that you Bart? .. why, you little..)
• New to area, 6′ brown hair, … looking for TLC, age open, looks aren’t major so long as you have GSOH, shy ladies apply… wo! Careful! Sure you don’t want to add that time-proven filter "slim, attractive"?
• Racehorse, 38, putting himself out to stud Looking for greener pastures. No weeds or thistles, Fine looking stallion in search of good looking mare….. join me and live the metaphor
• Respectable tall mid-60s gent, div. no ties, non alcoholic or gambler, no tattoo, retired, fin. sec. Good appear. Active, likes garden, dancing, bicycle, current events, trips, humor, affection, garlic prawns, calamari & more…… way too much information
• Hi, I am 21yo with nice blue eyes. I love boats, fishing, traveling, walking along the beachfront at nights and staying weekends away. Looking for lady 18-21 years.
  .. to carry the fishing nets, no doubt
• 52yo male seeks lady to same age. GSOH, NS, SD, Easygoing type, view to becoming the King and Queen of EBay…. Sex to the highest bidder
• Single 18yo seeking attractive, intelligent, affectionate, romantic, loving. WLTM 26yo man. I would love to meet you asap. See you soon I hope…. smokin!!