God Changes the Rules

Faltering faith goads God - bountifulness blamed

od (via a spokes being, [super]naturally) presaged increased stringency upon a plenteous Earth in 2006.

"It is 'time' (as mortally perceived) to raise the bar on bounteousness" the being intoned. In short, He is moving the goal posts.

"Rising population and higher living standards have widened the gap between plenteous and non-plenteous," intonations pealed.

"Heavenly Father is moved to adjust 'universal parameters' against prodigality because reduced dependence upon His Eleemosynary Love has resounded to the Highest Level.

SheepOverboard.com - one of a mere handful of media players graciously alerted by Divine eMail on New Year's Eve - was invited by single opportunity to seek clarification of unclear deeming. A divinely-worded FAQ issued on behalf of The Supreme Entity, when processed by the Theistic Babelizer, ordained as follows:

"God of the known universe, Creator of all that exists, variously known as Jehovah, God, The Almighty, Allah, Elohim, King of Kings, Yalweh, Yahweh, Holy Ghost, I AM, and especially LORD, and who by precedence is God of all other Gods (simply, but awesomely, referred to as "God" in this document) proclaims a change in terms of the original contract negotiated with Adam and Eve - or equivalent negotiations for each of the religious franchises.

"God has determined that rising affluence detrimentally influences the median faith indicator.

"Insufficient souls are seeking solace from adversity"

"His Prescience forebodes a decline in spiritual vigor among the living and, consanguineously (if not merely consequently) purgatory audits indicate a sharp upturn in candidature despite a rising pass mark.

"Our Deity behooves a steep incline in the road to success for each soul upon Earth who has spent more money on cell phones than on salvation.

"His Deliverance From Evil allows, in deference to the 'free will' clause, individuals to determine the dollar-value of salvation (equated to Cell contract costs for calendar 2004) and calculate their own claims. Supreme Assessment being the final arbiter, self-assessment merely a placebo.

"God admonishes that duality, sibling to creation ex nihilo, persist that His creatures harmonize their will with His. Thus plenteousness must not vanquish penuriousness."

SheepOverboard believes this averment will engage theology scholars for centuries hence and, apart from signaling immediate turmoil and hardship, will equate to long-term misfortune for mankind in general (due to scholarly preoccupation, that is).

Our publisher, whose rarity of pronouncements are second only to the Divine, said he was moved to comment on the deific disclosure by its foreboding portent.

"After meeting and speaking to Adam and Eve, and reputedly Cain, Noah, Abraham, Hagar (the list continues as our incredulity grows) - or as summarized by the Old Testament: 'At sundry times and in diverse manners God spoke in times past' - it seems He has once more, and in our times, broken silence! "

"As I understand, His first recorded communication was '..by a Son', Jesus, who spent years issuing edicts (let alone warnings) on behalf of the Divine Spirit. Of course, He also released divine epistles heralded via omniscient representatives as recently as 1400 years ago, involving one Muhammad ...

" .. and now .. this!! Stupendous!"

Initial reactions from religious quarters has tended to fall back (in astonished shock, we suspect) on "'gloom and doom" scenarios. One might say religions are in a state of panic, having been passed over as deistic disseminaries yet again.

With tremulous confidence, major religions aligned unerringly to claim God spoke to them exclusively and confided to each of them that only other denominations would suffer.

The scientific community, at least those members whose constructs still allow for Deity, immediately began disagreeing (in a spirit of natural enquiry) about by which mechanisms God would impose His Will.

He cannot change the laws of the universe, though he might influence quantum effects or tweak chaos a little, was the consensus (using the word 'consensus' very loosely, as we always must with scientists).

Appreciation there was, amongst the flock, that Godly subtlety allows lay people to "knock themselves out with speculation".

Most taxi drivers guess China will cop it first, as devastating - or at least impeding that country - would most effectively leverage redressing the imbalance, they said, "if they were God."

Residents of affluent countries felt assured "third-world losers" would bear the brunt of misfortune, as God would see them an easy target. "After all, our standard of living is so high, and there is so much we can do without, it would take so much effort for little effect on the world's average. And it's obvious God already has it in for them (the hot countries) .. the Indonesian quake and tsunami .. we rest our case."

Third-worlders not surprisingly proffered the converse, suggesting God would achieve 'most bangs per buck' by smiting affluent 'westerners'. A wizened, hungry sage quietly told this SheepOverboard reporter he believed God would allow Westerners yet a greater grip on the sallow throats of the exploited unfortunate billions. "Should foreigners allow us a chance to advance, this would be contrary to God's intent, raising living standards across the globe too rapidly"

Pathetically remunerated SheepOverboard staffers stand to lose little, as does our famously unsuccessful publisher, so the mood around the office is one of relieved neutrality.

In a more modern 'spirit' apparently modeled on the British Monarch's Christmas Message, which trends toward more homely language in these moderne times, the Almighty Supplementaled:

The spokes being further intoned God's Displeasure, verging on Supreme Irritation, at the semantic nonsense surrounding 'the Trinity.'"

"Our Creator wishes it known that were he a lesser God (a blasphemous concept) he would be more than angry at Muslims' literal-minded simplistic judgment on so-called 'polytheistic infidels', and, on the other hand (left or right not specified), He implied apologetic (an equally blasphemous concept, immediately distanced from Him by the epistle's wording) for Christian crusades and missionaries, sanctioning of which equates to denying His existence."

"He would also apologize (were it possible to so do) to the entire world for the American bible belt and their disproportionate influence on U.S. foreign policy (He implicates something in the corn). "

"Likewise, He would deign - should the Universe need correction, which it doesn't - Jewry be 'corrected' to be less fractious and self-possessed, perhaps by genetic modification, that might also include an urge to 'move on and let it go.' "

In the same single and eternal breath, he was perceived to mutter beneath which, that Muslims might require 'thicker skin.'

He would (in this blasphemous, lesser form) "urge scholars to get off the semantics bandwagon and clergy to lay off the franchises and branding. They might consider getting real jobs."

Our Creator added blithely, a wry curling of Holy lips suspected beneath blinding whiteness: "He was displeased somewhat by the vanity of holy men and their affinity with obsessive beard displays. If they are so holy, why do they need to parade it?"

And a message for those killing others in His Name:

"Piety, spirituality, compassion, empathy, and fellowship, were what I had in Mind" (He would have boomed).