Lives flow zero-sum to futility pursuing mind ephemera in flickering dim persistence.

Media detritus weaves culture as mind-montage, echoes tinnient our frayed and cherished memories.

Collaged in colloidal silvered cellulose, ink-smeared headers, crackly acetate audio, American annals precipitate culture to caricature.

Ouroboros marketers wield consumerist art blenders, modernity puréed to crass cliché.

Trail-blazing frontier heydays wane, bygone in these e-times. Parade of decayed decades fossilize sessile, 19th by 20th, in Hollywood’s hubristic faux follies.

Did you find America in fatherland’s flame or motherland’s mystique?

A poorly tended orphan, our nation coalesced to juvenescence, fluoresced at pubescence, in two tumultuous centuries. These long, pivotal, busy years occupy barely a blink, mostly a blank, in public percept.

Débutante as Papal gift to Spain, homeland’s less scenic circuit saw natives nulled, witch hunts, pious preaching, youthful rebellion, uncivil slavery, and can-do capitalism .. from which chaotic nonage wearily emerged The Union, bearing but a buck and a Bill of Rights.

Gilded Age founded selfish imperialism that inexorably begat soul-sapping world wars and two apocalyptic flash-bangs. The world took careful note. Capable of equally revengeful spite, of such Hollywoodesque it was not.

Post-war euphoria ebbed Cold War-soured till extinguished by futility in Asian-Arab crusades.

Premature news of our death was only slightly so, arriving delicious with heart-stilling irony by our own hand. Earth’s greatest empire slain by a home-grown virus. A virulent, highly-praised export variant. Best practice, world class, and best of breed.

Greed.

Which brings us where we stand in the smoking ruin that was America, why we might seek what it was, thus what we are .. or were.

"They’ve all come to look for America" – still searching, by the way. Not just a tribal ache but some clasping at the nationhood to which we long to belong.

No-one knows what America, or God, looks like, yet all are equally doubtless She is His.

“God bless America and nowhere else” resonates as classroom oath, not facetious doggerel.

That a combustion-fed tolled artery delivers pilgrims to the City of Ghosts in search of genesis is irony enough.

Irony traveled with those who, from the sea, sought a dream yet to exist, so founded a Mephistophelian metropolis before surging westward and ho. It led their descendants to pay the piper, and the turnpike, in return inutile quest to this Trimenjous Apple, seeing in it their seeding, as does indeed the entire nation.

Who seeks America?

The addled call LA home, in which honey pot limbo they stickily struggle.

Sophisticates came west, saw, then backscattered  to bigger smoke.

Heartlanders with hint of shiny and a glint of eye know America beyond daily drear.

Geekocracy tweets & buzzes i-gadgetry addicted, e-Citizens understanding only The cYbeRst4tes oF am3ric4.

A-List adopt tinted orphans, flaunt fashion at flashbulbs, party bare-pussy, frame epoxy teeth in botulinum lips. Facile smiles, facial twitches, grate of guilt, harbor hysteria.

Invisible Hand devotees play mortgage Monopoly and Tea Party puppeteer on the side.

Is America the land sullied by our greedily covetous hand as pre-Columbian purity palls to polluted pestilence?

Do we seek America by filling it with people and place names, pander to progress, prostrate to prodigence? 300 million searching for … 400 million?  Do we stop now or is eternal growth the plan? There’s a plan?

The world found America

International regard of us is a cautious affair. Knowing the beast too well World backs slowly towards the door, looks instead to lateral liaisons with Aspirant Asia, Gulf of Lucre, or Crown Prince Europe.

Oppressed and starving craved bounteous freedom in our virgin frontiers but their dreams mired in thread-bare hardship and genocidal slave-keep. Still they arrive. Over sea or beneath border to shatter hopeful longings, to languish as latter-day slaves to an imagined betterment.

Marketing, ever our game, drew migrants by symbols rendered as reality. Cowboy and gold rush cloaked ruinous labor. Coca Cola and Chevrolet bestrode dark steeds of economic imperialism, dazzling distant peasants while their birthright siphoned stateside.

Disquiet and delight greeted 9-11. Ensuing crusades blinded-not a media-savvy world that pierced indulgent embedded reportage and found only nakedly hooded prisoners of humiliation, evangelized Christian military madmen, or disillusioned patriot soldiers sacrificed before black-tinted mercenary convoys.

We, the Americans who seek this effusive illusion, live unwitting of it’s malignant extent or mischievous intent. We drive its cars, eat its burgers, bail its banks, laissez its faire, build its weapons of mass misconception, and quell deep-schism qualms at a reality slippery and thin as spring ice.

And ..

.. while septuagenarians work-as-retirement  .. while all work longer and harder for less .. while middle class indebted afford neither health nor home .. while overpaid geeks squander gizmo-extravagance online  .. while rich and famous parade fortune in all’s faces .. while obscene wealth screws from lavish fortress compounds a democracy that once served all ..

.. the fervent distraction of an entire nation asserts Vidal’s United States of Amnesia in comatose acquiescence to dreamland’s Gordian fabric.

A child puzzles why hordes throng in consumptive frenzy and frenetic confusion on the turnpike of life.

"Where are they going, Dear Parents?"

"To find America, young one, where else?"

"But that way is perfidious, a circus of illusion, the devil’s torment, bubbles of falsity.”

“Besides ..” the child ponders with naïve clarity, of which only our favorite observer is capable:

“America lies within."

He was the first African-American, and first Hawaiian-born, to hold this highest office in the land of the once-free.

… our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. … our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.”

Well, he couldn’t have been referring to U.S. foreign policy.

As xenophobic and paranoid organizations across the United States of America polished their weaponry, a statesman-like Negro, literally an “African-American,” ascended to the White House.

As bankers and market touts paused briefly from emptying treasury coffers, then redoubled their public theft, a statesmanlike Negro swore to faithfully execute the office of president.

As legions of corporate bagmen paused not in their daily pilgrimage to Capitol Hill to lubricate the wheels of politics the American way, a statesmanlike Negro stood humbled by the task, grateful for the trust, and mindful of our ancestors’ sacrifices.

As fattened spook agencies tapped phones and renditioned unfortunates of middle eastern appearance, a statesmanlike Negro bemoaned a war against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred.

As Wall Street privatized gains, socialized losses, and issued obscene record bonuses, a statesmanlike Negro lauded doers, the makers of things, whose journey had never been one of shortcuts, who struggled and sacrificed and worked until their hands were raw.

As munitions makers and defense contractors burdened the people’s economy with inutile weapons of yet greater complexity and obfuscation, a statesmanlike Negro hailed with humble gratitude brave Americans in distant lands, and fallen heroes lying in Arlington, for their spirit of service and willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves.

As Tea partiers partied on the impending grave of big government, a statesmanlike Negro reminded all that it’s not whether Government is too big or too small but whether it works – whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified.

As unfettered laissez faire markets created artificial needs then merrily met consumptive demand, its selfish cankers stifling humankind’s faltering and increasingly ignoble destiny, a statesmanlike Negro conceded an economy badly weakened by greed and irresponsibility and a collective failure, with homes  lost, jobs shed, businesses shuttered.

As oil cartels and energy conglomerates drooled at the passing of peak oil, a statesmanlike Negro warned that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and weakens our planet. We will, he said, and the skepticism was almost tangible, harness the Sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories.

And as the stampede of flat-screen TVs stormed unabated into homes of well-to-do, and the burgers only grew bigger at the nation’s takeaways, a statesmanlike Negro admitted we can no longer afford indifference to the suffering outside our borders, or consume the world’s resources without regard to effect.

An African-American statesman, the hope of millions.

Or just another American President, grist for the corporate lobby mill, at worst a factional stooge, at best simply human?

Killing people, especially killing people at a distance, is something we now do very well," barbed Inga Clendinnen, startling her "Republic of Letters" audience with sudden ferocity.

Our inveterate and ever-pensive SheepOverboard editor sent me hop-scotching along to the Victorian Premier’s Literary Awards in Melbourne, Australia.

Yet another assignment, I presumed, to sycophantically serenade influential artistes and forlornly ingratiate both him and this, his insipid instrument.

But I digress.

To the great relief of our starving suffocating intellects Ms Clendinnen denounced our expectations by renouncing her intention to deliver "a winsome little speech suitable to the occasion.." Gratefully awed we were as spot-lit kangaroos, entranced for the duration.

Inga’s our kinda gal, might she forgive me saying!

We are .. encouraged not to think beyond a certain point. We know that when armed men erupt into unarmed villages, there is likely to be rape, pillage, killings. But if it’s done by the other side, we classify these acts as unattractive tribal survivals, or if it’s done by our own men, murmur about lack of leadership or lack of education."

And meanwhile the landmines keep exploding and the bombs – smart or stupid – keep falling."

I think it is this induced moral myopia that allows our exhilarated waging of technologized war, the culpable vagueness of our aims, above all our vagueness regarding the consequences of what we are doing. We used to believe that torturing people – the willful infliction of pain on a powerless other – was wrong, even when they might know something we might like to know. Now ‘rendering suspects amenable to interrogation’ has slithered into the standard repertoire of tactics in the war against terror."

Ms Clendinnen heedfully rubbed our noses in the great sin of these selfish times, the bribing of ‘western civilization,’ its citizens now full-bellied, trinket-laden whores and minions to the power-broking ideologues and their callous two-legged Rottweilers. Not merely inured are we to the woes of barbarized foreigners, but too comfortable to care. This was not, however, her exact message but, you would guess, another of my digressions.

Addressing the audience in somewhat different tone:

.. evidence is rapidly accumulating that taking pleasure in other people’s pain is not against human nature. So is there a difference between them and us? We used to think there was, and that the difference was called ‘progress’ or even ‘civilization’.

In the wake of September 11th it is increasingly difficult to believe that, given the dreadful celerity of that resort to torture and then the solemn deformation of law to protect what had already become established practice."

Conscience-pricking now relinquished to photojournalists, Ms Clendinnen laments, by writers’ concordance to sloganeering"a picture’s worth a thousand words" spin from marketing 101, and the game appears over:

War journalists have lost their independence and, with the world arranged as it is, I do not think they will soon get it back."

Writers,” Ms Clendinnen advises, must ".. reengage with new fervor, if less hope; with that old task of stretching human imaginations far enough to forgive difference. We have to stand witness to the importance of individual human lives, and so make our masters keep a closer accounting of the costs of deliberately inflicted suffering and death."

The second Iraq war revealed reporters tightly controlled by the Pentagon’s astonishing adeptness in at least one area: media management. The administration needn’t have bothered, their job already done by press HQ. Six o’clock newstainment, an incoherent joke, comprises a rambling cocktail of traffic reports from choppers with astonishing camera zooms, weather presenters’ circuses-in-miniature promoting all but the weather, brazen derelict headline dash through crucial national politics to the bloated sport segment, shameless promotion of tonight’s network programming, an idiot’s cuisine of mock-soap heart-soul-anger classics – only the footage differs – and the endless deft sprinkling of key words "gone horribly wrong road rage outrage terrorist alert uproar" … but I, again, digress.

It is this reporter’s loathing for even our public broadcasters’ fawning mimicry of corporate newscasters – shining their focus on whichever trivia might earn ratings, value-added news service be damned – that makes him pound the plastic alphabet to the wee smalls in a ranting frenzy of frustration. Were only his neighbor’s lights burning with similar fervor the world might change overnight.

Chiding is my grail, a beacon in a sea of signs. When someone with the mental wherewithal stands up to be counted, SheepOverboard takes notice!

Inga, thank you for the sore reminder, the call to arms. From our lowly perch – our commiserable little eZine commotion – we can only wonder at the searing clarity your mind projects, scoring civilization’s skyline with blazing commonsense and uncommon sensibility.

Were we (the Sheep of Overboard) au fait generating an iota of original value to the Republic of Letters, or even to the unfashionable lesser-realms of the Internet we haunt, it would flood my editor’s heart with warmth and excite, more than a little, his dim mind.

If only.

On Photo-journalists

For a long time, we writers thought that indifference to or pleasure in the pain of others could be eroded by the realisation that people strange to us are humans too. It seemed a reasonable belief; few families tortured their own, and when they do the dirty business comes wrapped in elaborate, usually religious, justifications. What we in the Republic of Letters had been trying to do for that long time (I try not to think how long) was to effect the imaginative expansion of familial sensibilities to include distant others.

However, more recently I think we have de-facto relinquished that task to photographers, understandably. War photographers used to manage it with beautiful economy, beginning with those famous American Civil War photographs of the obscene flesh heaps left after battles which would soon be airbrushed into occasions of sacrificial glory.

Photography helped to end a war in Vietnam. But over these last five, ten years, especially with the second Iraq war, television and print journalists have lost their freedom. We see a great deal of triumph but remarkably little violence, while the few brief scenes we are allowed to see—fathers weeping over children, funerals—are simply too exotic for us, we’re distanced by the wailing, the beating of breasts, not drawn closer.

Among the last high-impact photographs still appearing on American television are on Jim Lehrer’s News Hour, on, unsurprisingly, the public broadcasting system, which sometimes ends with the photographs of the American soldiers confirmed dead in Iraq on that day; in silence, the faces, the names, the ages, the home towns, always going on for longer than we can bear. This being overtly a celebration of heroes, there can be no patriotic intervention, but it is also a celebration of the casual cruelty of this war.

And as we watch that sequence of young faces, we remember that the Iraqi dead are not counted at all except by those who love them and who will seek vengeance when they are able.

~ Inga Clendinnen

Without knowing, a website is something I waited for all my life.

A place to review a lifetime and share it with others, a venue to develop odd concepts and let them grow.

But there’s far more to it. Websites embrace two unlikely concepts of modern thought: the noosphere of Teilhard de Chardin and Tipler’s Physics of Immortality loom larger in our cyber-cyclone, the Internet.

Imagine the noosphere

Evolved from geosphere and biosphere – a blanket of thought enveloping Earth. You are using its most recent phylum: the Internet.

Consider immortality in a website.

Pottery and parchments survive millennia – but information, perhaps, to the end of time. Will our descendants, with the power of Gods, lovingly recreate us in religion’s hereafter?

The Internet is a crazy commercial, intellectual and linguistic pressure-cooker.

Such ferocious chaos, boiling ugly mud, might be the ideal substrate for the purest, most delicate and fragile thoughts – allowing them the securest tenure yet in our violent evolution.

Bring your qualities, your memories, your deepest most sacred beliefs and dreams onto the Web.

God (via a spokesbeing, of course) presaged increased stringency upon a plenteous Earth in the approaching era.

It is ‘time’ (as mortally perceived) to raise the bar on bounteousness" the  supernatural being intoned.

Rising population and higher living standards have widened the gap between plenteous and non-plenteous," intonations bemoaned.

Heavenly Father is moved to adjust ‘universal parameters’ against prodigality because reduced dependence upon His Eleemosynary Love has resounded to the Highest Level.

SheepOverboard.com – one of a mere handful of media players graciously alerted by Divine e-mail on New Year’s Eve – was invited by single opportunity to seek clarification of unclear deeming .. in a not only singular, but a singularly one-sided encounter.

A divinely-worded FAQ issued on behalf of The Supreme Entity, when processed by the Theistic Babelizer, ordained as follows:

God of the known universe, Creator of all that exists, variously known as Jehovah, God, The Almighty, Allah, Elohim, King of Kings, Yalweh, Yahweh, Holy Ghost, I AM, and especially LORD, and who by precedence is God of all other Gods (simply, but awesomely, referred to as "God" in this document) proclaims a change in terms of the original contract negotiated with Adam and Eve – or equivalent negotiations for each of the religious franchises.

God has determined that rising affluence detrimentally influences the median faith indicator.

Insufficient souls are seeking solace from adversity.

His Prescience forebodes a decline in spiritual vigor among the living and, consanguineously (if not merely consequently) purgatory audits indicate a sharp upturn in candidature despite a rising pass mark.

Our Deity behooves a steep incline in the road to success for each soul upon Earth who has spent more money on cell phones than on salvation.

His Deliverance From Evil allows, in deference to the ‘free will’ clause, individuals to determine the dollar-value of salvation (equated to Cell contract costs for calendar last) and calculate their own claims. Supreme Assessment being the final arbiter, self-assessment merely a placebo.

God admonishes that duality, sibling to creation ex nihilo, persist that His creatures harmonize their will with His. Thus plenteousness must not vanquish penuriousness."

Averment

SheepOverboard believes this averment will engage theology scholars for centuries hence and, apart from signaling immediate turmoil and hardship, will equate to long-term misfortune for mankind in general (due to scholarly preoccupation, that is).

Our publisher, whose rarity of pronouncements are second only to the Divine, said he was moved to comment on the divine press release by its foreboding portent.

After meeting and speaking to Adam and Eve, and reputedly Cain, Noah, Abraham, Hagar (the list continues as our incredulity grows) – or as summarized by the Old Testament: ‘At sundry times and in diverse manners God spoke in times past’ – it seems He has broken silence! "

As I understand He communicated ‘..by a Son’, Jesus, who spent years issuing edicts on behalf of the Divine Spirit. Of course, He has released divine epistles heralded via omniscient representatives as recently as 1400 years ago, involving Muhammad.

.. and now .. this!! Stupendous!"

Some panic – generally well received

Initial reactions from religious quarters has tended to fall back (in astonished shock, we suspect, as in totally caught off guard) on "’gloom and doom" scenarios. One might say world regions are in a state of panic, having been passed over yet again.

With tremulous confidence, major religions aligned unerringly to claim God spoke to them exclusively, and He confided to each of them that only other denominations would suffer.

The scientific community, at least those members whose constructs still allow for Deity, immediately began disagreeing (in a spirit of natural enquiry) about by which mechanisms God would impose His Will.

He cannot change the laws of the universe, though he might influence quantum effects or tweak chaos a little, was the consensus (using the word ‘consensus’ very loosely, as we always must with scientists).

Such Godly subtlety allows lay people to "knock themselves out with speculation".

Most taxi drivers guess China will cop it first, as devastating or at least impeding that country would most effectively leverage redressing the imbalance, they said, if they were God.

Residents of affluent countries felt assured "third-world losers" would bear the brunt of misfortune, as God would see them an easy target.

After all, our standard of living is so high it would take too much effort, for little effect, to lower the world’s average. And it’s obvious God already has it in for them"

Third-worlders, not surprisingly, proffered the conversely that God would achieve ‘most bangs per buck’ by smiting affluent ‘westerners’. A wizened, hungry sage quietly told this Sheep Overboard reporter he believed God would allow Westerners yet a greater grip on the sallow throats of the exploited unfortunate billions.

Should foreigners allow us a chance to advance, this would be contrary to God’s intent, raising living standards across the globe too rapidly"

Pathetically remunerated SheepOverboard staffers stand to lose little, as does our famously unsuccessful publisher, so the mood around the office is one of relief.

The filthy rich said nothing but are known to be increasing security.

Supplemental

The spokesbeing supplementaly intoned God’s Displeasure, verging on Supreme Irritation, at the semantic nonsense surrounding ‘the Trinity.’"

Our Creator wishes it known that were he a lesser God (a blasphemous concept) he would be more than angry at Muslims’ literal-minded simplistic judgment on so-called ‘polytheistic infidels’, and, on the other hand (left or right not specified), implied apology for Christian crusades and missionaries, which He never would have sanctioned."

He intimated sympathy with the entire world for the "American bible belt."

He would (in this blasphemous, lesser form) "urge scholars to get off the semantics bandwagon and clergy to lay off the franchises and branding. They might consider getting real jobs."

And a message for those killing others in His Name:

Piety, forgiveness, and fellowship were what I had in Mind when My Son said to love thy neighbor."

A hitherto unknown pioneering dotcom is at the center of a religious and political storm

Groundbreaking software, designed to extract news from ‘"background noise on the Web", created more publicity than intended at a press conference launch.

Naive techie CEO of www.noise2news.com, Serge Geugl, initiated mass journalistic cell-fumbling with the first "public story" from his beta-but-au courant coding miracle.

Legendary lack of prescience foremost, Geugl proudly displayed the first Noise2News™ header to stunned reporters: "Family Research Council Supports Al Qaeda. Americans are Infidel"

Err, it still needs some fine-tuning but the basic facts of the story are correct. N2N has extracted the core truth of the matter from billions of cached web pages.

Infidel, infidelity … semantics. What the heck. Ask any dork on the street the difference!" added a bemused Geugl to an evaporating press corps.

FRC President Tiny Pecans ( FRC website link) was inversely bemused – yet deeply encouraged – by the arrival of carloads of clamoring cubs, contributors, communicators, columnists and correspondents.

I haven’t seen the report to which you are referring, but I can confidently say that I would warmly support anyone – even this foreign chap, Allan Kida, did you say? – who is prepared to stand up for their beliefs and tell Americans that infidelity is wrong.

I feel strong affinity with anyone having the moral strength to tell our nation’s people to uphold the institutions of marriage and the family"

Only mildly disconcerted by the silent sea of open mouths – he had rarely seen so many journalists, certainly not this many so quiet, motionless and attentive and (definitely never!) hanging off every word .. like … this … Dismissing doubts, Pecans savored the moment.

At this point, your reporter sneezed. Raising my gaze from a handful of tissues (having no tissue) I registered Mr. Pekans statue-like, finger raised, jaw suspended open, word half-formed, glancing sideways at this SheepOverboard reporter through the dust – the only remaining journalist in sight – the media circus having stampeded to the White House.

Caught off guard at a Press Briefing on "Iraqi Progress" and mid stand-off with a journo -  "oxymoron, where?" – Donny Rumsfella grasped the nettle with an ideologues élan:

Technology is a good thing. Good things come from good technology. The little nerd Geugl is American, the technology is American. Noise is an unknown. This is pushing back unknowns, both known unknowns .."

He broke off, unable to make eye contact with anyone in the room.

President Bush, also a little distracted nursing bleeding fingernails from "a misunderstanding leaving the Presidential Chopper,” offered the Press Scavenger Corps stationed at the White House his thoughts – the not inconsiderable effort diverting focus from his aching fingers:

I know I’ve said some bad things about Arabs lately. They might be heathen rag heads but if they support the family values of our crusading nation then I surely welcome their pronoun cements."

That night Al Qaeda claimed responsibility for whatever stupid journalist on about, Tiny Pecans spent a sleepless night pleased about the attention – but uneasy about what he wasn’t sure, www.noise2news.com got 50 million hits – and a record number of Americans cheated on their partners.

The Australian Immigration Minister, Senator Vanstonne, announced pioneering innovation to manage mentally-ill citizens following the successful field trial involving  a 39-year-old schizophrenic patient released ‘into the wild’ from Sydney’s Manly Hospital in March 2004.

In April Aboriginal people found Ms. ‘x’ [**name withheld] wandering north of Cairns township in the Australian state of Queensland and notified police. She was held at the Brisbane Women’s Correctional Center for several months, then handed over to Department of Immigration officials in August as a suspected illegal immigrant (the Australian Immigration Department being widely renowned for its compassionate, leading-edge treatment of the mentally ill), transferring to Baxter detention center four months ago.

The system worked splendidly," Senator Vanstonne proclaimed.

It was a double-blind test. No government department or agency knew of our testing strategy – in fact no-one at all – yet they all functioned as hoped. Ms. ‘x’ did not fall through the net but, inevitably, was sifted into Baxter detention center. Given time, most loons on the loose should eventually accumulate behind razor wire!"

State governments in Australia have traditionally managed mental hospitals. As diagnosis of mental disease gained precision over the past 50 years it was discovered that vast numbers of ‘lazy bludgers’ were in fact psychotic, schizophrenic or bipolar manic-depressives. Consequently mental hospitals filled to capacity, crippling the states’ health budgets.

To combat this, mental patients were dispersed ‘into the community’ using hundreds of small business units to manage privately-funded ‘charities’ housing the former patients in communal homes.

To the government’s delight most psychotic ‘clients’ disappeared onto the streets, creating a profitable turnover for the business units (paid by the head) thus releasing a steady percentage of vacant beds and shifting the problem to Federal government welfare.

The only flaw in the plan was clients whose relatives would occasionally report family members missing, only to discover them eating dirt in the neighbor’s garden or spotting them on the six o’clock newstainment threatening police with a knife in a remote part of the city (usually an entirely different city).

The mental institutions, now mostly vacant, were (suddenly) found to occupy valuable real estate in major cities around Australia, leaving state governments no option but to act responsibly by disposing of this wasted public asset to wealthy land developers, coincidentally reducing ‘government debt’ (widely suspected to be the ‘debt’ of mismanagement).

The Australian Federal Government, saddled by an increasing drain on social welfare payments due to vast hordes of homeless, derelict, mentally-ill and disabled (former) patients roaming suburbia (directed by do-gooders where to find their periodic entitlements) devised a strategy to reduce welfare payments by "inadvertently" re-incarcerating the recipients in detention centers built for illegal immigrants.

Intending uninvited Immigrants removed Australia from the list of desirable destinations following several incidents in which the Australian Navy rammed and sank numerous Indonesian fishing boats crowded with asylum-seekers, and the now-famous artillery shelling of the Norwegian freighter Tampa, forcing it away from Australia after rescuing survivors of a rammed and sinking boat.

With dozens of privately-managed detention centers now being constructed for a coming boom time should a Labor government take office, and the federal government stuck with crippling outsourcing contracts, the senator boasted:

I put these two disparate problems together to create one whopper of an opportunity" Senator Vanstonne beamed.

The PM is particularly pleased.

This maintains our high-profile detention policy: encampments full to intimidate asylum wannabes plus the modern trend of managing those afflicted by mental disease and intellectual handicaps using cruelty and diffidence" the Senator explained.

The Government is proud of its record in these fields. We raised the bar to a new height! Two birds with one stonne! We cold-shouldered distraught, hapless victims of war and pestilence seeking refuge, simultaneously shifting society’s losers off welfare and the street into the care of a Global corporation that now profits from their misfortune!

If the Federal Opposition was elected tomorrow it would be hard-pressed to maintain our prominence in Asia – indeed the world – as a mean-spirited, paranoid, cruel, uncaring Government eroding civil-liberties in the guise of terrorist emergency to covertly enhance corporate profitability. Not to mention (if I inadvertently didn’t) shifting welfare and critical infrastructure from government to private ownership.”

And with full support of the world’s most selfish, greedy, small-and-narrow-minded, short-sighted, dare-I-say-ignorant, ugly white people … with the obvious exception, she hastily groveled, of our steadfast ally, the United States of America.

** Mainstream press published the full name of person ‘x’ as did we, until the reality struck that it was an assault on person to identify someone as merely labelled ‘schizophrenic.’ That is for the person’s doctor to say. And it might not be the case. Etc.

Personal classifieds are the singles lolly shop. At first.

Perusing a few dozen personals plunges the mind into torpor, hammered senseless by cliché upon acronym, caricature upon lie.

Sooner or later you realize this is going to be hard work.

No matter how hard they try – and the more creative, the greater the disaster – the person of your dreams melts into a cliché of twenty clumsy words.

And on this basis you seek a partner?

As a window into the hapless loser’s mind opens wide, one must forgive them spelling mistakes, poor choice of words, clumsy phrases. And the inevitable devastation of trying to be a little too original. After all, there but for a slip of the pen goes you.

Writing a personals classified that sounds just right is the hardest thing in the world – except making the phone call!

But what of the acronyms?

Your most important life choice and you scrimp on the copy cost by confusing print pheromones with incomprehensible claptrap?

Not only do the acronyms need explaining, they make you look like a cheapskate buffoon. It’s no way to generically broadcast your amour.

Deciphering love-speak

What exactly is that (strange, perhaps foreign) person trying to say? After all, you don’t want to make a fool of yourself – at least not immediately.

Ladies, for example, when men specify "slim attractive lady" you should be very wary. A man who says this has done YOU a favor already. Skip him! He wants a dream, not a person.

Men, therefore, don’t say that in your personals! There isn’t a woman on Earth who believes she IS "slim and attractive."  Examine your motives for even thinking that way.

420 – If they’re locals, move to the east coast.
69 – See D46
W4M, w4w, m4w, m4m – Probably figured it by now. w=woman, m=man, 4=for. I know. Lame.
BBQ – A barbecue is an outdoor kitchen where only the cheapest, toughest cuts of beef steak and totally-inedible, indigestible sausages are burned in grease. 
BBW – BarBieWhoa! She ain’t no Barbie doll! Or a woman who works in an outdoor kitchen.
Bi – Bring your own bicarbonate of soda … it’s a BBQ, stupid.
Caring – Doing one’s best to avoid beating their partner. Often the recipient of previous TRO or AVO.
CD – Bring your own CD player – I’ve got the music. Oh, and I dress funny.
Christian – One who in a former life hunted Moslems or evangelized natives of foreign lands. I also believe a loving god made this cesspit we live on and lets little children die horribly in war and famine … but I digress.
Cuddly, BBW – A mere 150% overweight
D46 – Down for sex. But maybe it really means down for six. And what about D69?
D&S, DOM, DOMME – Goes without saying. Part of the program. In every relationship. Stay single, fer chrissakes.
Dancing – A method of testing the male partner’s stamina, or tolerance for humiliation.
Dining out – Wild sex
DOB – Date of birth. Totally useless information, always false.
DTE – Down to Earth and preferably not from off-planet. 
Div – Divorced, so they claim.
Financially secure – The most chilling specifications, almost always demanded by a female. Prenuptial is certain to ensue.
For friendship – Wild sex
GSOH – Good sense of humor. Unfortunately, this is in the ear of the beholder. There is no known way to measure this requirement. One person’s hilarious rib-splitter is another’s deep offence.
Guy – Gay pronounced with an Australian accent
Height – If expressed in in feet+inches, multiply feet by 12 for inches, add the odd inches, multiply total inches by 2.5 for centimeters, then divide by 100 for meters. No, wait .. just stay with Imperial. Six foot four, or 6ft 4in, or 6/4, sounds much better than 1.930398984 meters.
HWP – Height-Weight Proportional. Used only by animal research scientists. This guy has a house full of white rats.
IRL – In Real Life. Remember, this is NOT the place to find any of that.
ISO – Is Seeking Other. Duh! Outstanding winner of the most redundant acronym prize. In Search Of, then? Another ‘duh’ would not, however, be redundant.
Lady – Female with shameful past.
Lesbian – East Mediterranean.  
LIB – Libra. Of course it’s a star sign. What, you think a liberal would put their phone number out there for the gun freaks. Or worse, the Tea Partiers?
MBA – Married But Available. And, if the letters trail their name, probably good with the household budget.
MBL – Married but looking. Aka, serial cheater. Answering that is to become the next victim.
Medium size – Cuddly soon to be, after all the dining that courting demands.
MtF – See WtF 
Must be employed – As she said, financially secure. Blatantly, you had better be working for she is NOT going to support you.  
Mutually interesting – Aspirations of two boring people.
Neutered – See Spayed
New age – Another birthday just passed. 
ND – Non-drinker. They will find you out. Drinkers ooze the smell of booze from their porz. 
NS – Non smoker. They will find you out. Smokers, frankly, inevitably, literally, stink. Like an ashtray. Like a torched tenement.
NSA – No Strings Attached. Except, of course, the Agency.
Nice personality – Known to speak. Capable of a rare smile. Occasional eye contact. 
PIS – Pisces. Or simply unashamedly drunk. 
Possible relationship – Wild sex.
Quality time – Wild sex.
Quiet nights at home – Wild sex.
Refined lady – A slut.
Rural man/woman – Stubble jumper. Expects you to at least have a horse, or at the very least transport for theirs.
SAE – Self Addressed Envelope. Write them, and tell ‘em to get stuffed.
SCO – Scorpio. Or an aging sysadmin.
SD – Social drinker.
SS – Social smoker.
Sensitive – Apologizes whilst beating you.
Size - Needs a web page of its own! Varies by country, so take care. Assume dress size – few ladies boast their breast parameters. Men compulsively hint at penis size, thinking it’s daring and cheeky, therefore suave, by some schoolyard logic.
Slim – Only 20-50% overweight – or, just starting to diet.
Spayed – See Neutered. Well, actually, if you see either of these, you’re browsing personals for house pets and farm animals. 
Thin – Haven’t eaten today.
TS, TG – Trans-sexual, Trans-gender. Do you really need your life to get any more complicated?
Walks on the beach – Wild sex.
WLTM – Would like to meet.
WLM – Would like meat. See BBQ.
WtF – What the F…?
YO – Years old, as in biological age, not mental age. Or perhaps an African American greeting. Depends.

What follows are real examples of how NOT to get the attention of your lover-to-be. If it can be parodied, it’s missing the mark.

•  Attractive 44yo, positive, outgoing, sincere, educated professional person, enjoys sailing, boating, renovating, seeks financially independent, educated professional gentleman, no ties
  • ….. brave enough – let alone qualified! Assume pre-nup, merger contract, his & her yachts
• 19 male, fun, GSOH, loves music, cars n just about everything. I want to meet 18-22 yo down to earth girl for relationship. I want kids within the next 4 years. Kids already, that’s great
  • …. I’ll get back to you
•  Attractive bubbly 45yo lady, looks and feels much younger
  • ….. you can easily tell a person’s age by feeling them
•  Single man, 40, fit, intelligent, searching for a slim, witty babe for adventure, travel, 4WD. I’m still stuck in the 80?s . Ph. me you retro chicky babe before I get old and boring
  • … yeah, get him while he’s young and boring
•  Terrific 68yo. Taurean lady, well spoken .. Seeks man of integrity, kind, caring, funny, outgoing, loyal, who will be kind to my Maltese pooch
  • …. silly me, I’m reading the ‘Help Wanted’ section. Unless she’s hinting of sex with the pooch.
•  Attractive 36yo lady … Looking for a man born in 1959 or 1971
  • .… umm, I was born in both of those years. Can I come over now?
•  32yo lady .. seeks man 6’2", NS, ND, solid build, dark hair and eyes and a kind heart.. I know you’re out there somewhere
  • …. No one called? Relax the specifications a bit, try "between 6 foot 1 inch and 6ft 3in.
•  Two ladies, friendly, genuine, caring with GSOH seeking 2 males 45-55 who enjoy fishing, BBQs,
  • …… and we still go to ladies room together
•  29yo mother likes horses, bands, outings, seeking .. must be a gentleman and secured
  • …. handcuffed preferably
•  Hi if you’re 50-62yo male looking for a lady 55 NS SD likes dancing BBQs music movies dining in or out, please give me a ring
  • .… or a car, or house
•  Bi couple looking for Bi couple interested in 4x4WD, beach, fishing
  • .… and 2x2on2
•  So many phonies, who is out there who is real? An intelligent, exquisitely beautiful lady of genuinely loving action and faith in God seeks a gentle kindhearted loyal for life, sincere, attractive, well-educated Christian man who can value the sincerity of my heart above all earthly things
  • .… messiahs only need apply
•  Piscean seeking soul mate, 50?s, SS SD fit young at heart. I love animals, boats, fishing,
  • …… Hi, I’m Nemo!
•  40yo easy going gent NS, ND, into horses (Thoroughbreds). Looking for lady 30-40 years with genuine interest in horses
  • ….. if it doesn’t work out, there’s always the horses
•  Single lady seeking permanent partner romantic passionate loving sincere honest spontaneous GSOH, a good kisser who can steam up the car windows, NS 48-58 around 5’10", no body odor
  • …. the sequence described leads only and inevitably to body odor
•  Where are you Prince Charming? I want to spend candlelit dinners at home with you, romantic nights out, weekends away. I can light up your life
  • …… with candles?
•  A caring, educated, early 60s gentleman wishes to meet 50-60yo elegantly slim 10-12 lady with no ties and time to experience a variety of new and existing common interests as a friend and companion that may lead to a romantic relationship
  • …. or may not. Next!
•  Good 40yo man wanting to find the love of his life, NS SD GSOH, a thin, pretty lady, between 30-40, singly loved woman, no divorcees or separated ladies, no children
  • .… right, I bet the phone hasn’t stopped ringin’
•  Olivia, Filipino lady, could you please call Ron
  • .… again, louder!
• 40yo 6? active intelligent modern guy GSOH morals and values, seeks intelligent reasonably slim, reasonably attractive lady, friendship view relationship
  • .… unreasonably fat & unattractive don’t call
• A lady of 47 going onto 48
  • …… as most 47 year olds do
•  Lonely young man seeks a lonely mature lady 37-52 passionate, sensual, cute, smart, naughty and nice. Wants a toy boy
  • …. mum, stop calling. I know it’s you
•  Attractive lady seeking guy with GSOH, NS, enjoys dancing, dining out, movies, well-groomed, romantic, loyal, must love animals for a permanent relationship if compatible
  • …. compatible with your pets?
•  Gent, 71 years, would pass for 61 or 62, carry’s age very well
  • …. honest, could be mistaken for 55 in total darkness
•  Older man seeks an educated single Chinese or Japanese lady preferred English not important
  • …. err, let’s run through this again
• DTE fun-loving male 40yo WLTM attractive slim lady for friendship, outings, conversation. No big girls please.
  • …… I’ll find out where the bastard lives and let you big girls know
•  Fantasy man 35yo genuine, discreet, masculine, model looks, wishing to meet lonely attractive women
  • …. and give them pleasure for money
•  Swedish man 29, 6’3 fit and blonde, NS, SD, very GSOH, intelligent, creative and gifted in the arts
  • ……. yep, and I’m Bill Gates
• Sixty-one yo looking for average Joe 60-70 yrs with no hang ups
  • …. but can still get it up
• Bitter twisted & disillusioned at 32, unattractive ungrateful wench seeks 30-40yo man to be disloyal and dishonest with..
  • …. I’ll .. get back to you
• Interesting loving active retired lady … to enjoy quality times and mutually interesting activities together
  • …. romance not required
•  Widow mid 70?s nice personality, with principles would like to meet educated man
  • …… with vice-principles
• Woman 45yo slim attractive … seeking 35-40yo man …with a GSOH, extremely clean (house clean). My children are grown up and looking for a man with the same for good time and a great relationship. Genuine people only need apply
  • … Huh? Am I dating you or your children
•  Ardent tall slim actor & p/t teacher. Young virile handsome romantic 50 NS caring cultured loyal sensitive new age. Old fashion values & virtues. Simple tastes, pleasures. U: DTE Similar: Sensuous Sim/med 45-65 no ties Arts/craft: non-material. Ready: Co/Habit; Grow; Hear Mind Body Soul Mutual Creative Perm. Positive LTC Mates. Pref CC P/sula….
  • Hi! My name is .. arr forget it!
•  Pisces lady 59 looking for an honest sincere, caring, down to earth man, looks don’t matter. I’m 98kgs but losing it
  • …… Honey, we’re all losing it!
•  Mum 38yo medium/cuddly size wishes to meet gen. guy on farm
  • .… See you in the pig pen
•  Easy going fit guy NS ND intelligent GSOH mid-40s seeking a slender, affectionate, calm and relaxed lady for permanent relationship
  • .… must have own Valium
•  Silver touches my temple yet I have a heart of gold … seeking a true, loving partner
  • …. my body is bronzed, muscles of iron, steely willed, feet of lead, my dome approaching chrome, mercurial of temperament, tinny on dates, galvanized into action, copper by profession .. oh, and I live in the rust belt. Zincing of you … shall we meet in the brasserie?
•  Cuddly employed 25yo living on peninsula into music, nights out and good time
  • .… most peninsulas are into water
•  Feminine lady 54 slim DTE caring honest … WLTM genuine male to share life 50-59 view relationship. No mobiles
  • …. aww, can’t I just keep it turned off?
• Hi, 40yo male new to area likes footy nights at home
  • …. Homey. We don’ do footy nights ‘roun dis hood
•  Male 37yo 6?, big fella requires soul mate companionship, n/s, s/d, enjoys 4WD, quiet nights in out going to movies, traveling, etc
  • …. and be sure to bring the "big fella" gift-wrapped
•  Male 24yo no strings attached, quite, loyal … like to meet lady, age open, genuine, slim, no strings attached
  • …. OK, we’ve clarified the "no strings" policy, now about that blind, forgiving love
• 27yo wheeling, NS, GSOH …like to meet fit girl with GSOH 24-30yo
  • .… West Virginia maybe?
• 32yo solid build gentleman seeking lady .. must like bbq’s, picnics, must be affectionate, must have good personality
  • .…  Jawohl Herr Kapitan
•  40yo sole parent .. not into pubs, clubs or church but believe in God. I love ethics, animals, kids & wilderness. Seeking soul mate of similar makeup
  • .… ethics? I love ethics
• Grandfather, 77, widower, seeking convivial campany (male and female) on drives to various places, ferry trips, galleries,
  • …… campany? – I guess at that age cast a wide net
• Good looking educated ambitious Asian girl looking for someone special. Must be employed
  • …… part of me say ‘Yes!’, part say ‘Run away!’
•  Hi I am 59yo blonde hair brown eyes 5’4" tall NS SD I like walking, dining out, going to the movies. If you would like to get in contact p lease give me a call
  • ….. seeking blonde eyes, brown hair
•  Seeking a rural man around 50. I have blue eyes brown hair, slender, stylish, gentle, articulate, inquisitive and loyal, cares for ecology, enjoys animals, horse riding, biology, computers, reading, cultural events, dining, dancing, financially secure, would like to hear from similar rural NS male
  • …. oops, wrong planet
• Christian 47yo looking for a Christian partner who loves church and his Lord. Take me as I am to enjoy the good times together
  • .… Born-again sinner!
•  Caring man 49 GSOH SD SS medium build no ties enjoys films sport beach nights out seeks lady to early 60s with no ties for friendship possible relationship
  • .… so, neither of us should wear a tie?
•  Caring 27yo looking for a lady to spend my life
  • …… and my money
•  Free to good home 31yo active male, affectionate and loyal, big brown eyes and coat, not desexed, house trained, known to bite. Enjoys days out. Seeks friendly pussy cat for friendship or relationship
  • … promise not to lick balls on first date
• Financial business man. I am generous, kindhearted and loving gentleman. Seeking same, slim 18-25 for relationship, free accommodation
  • …. free for me, that is
• … and you are between 40-48 give us a call. Myself, 48yo, tall, blue eyes, easy going
  • …. Hello, err .. is "Myself" there – um .. could I speak to "Myself"? (is that you Bart? .. why, you little..)
•  New to area, 6? brown hair, … looking for TLC, age open, looks aren’t major so long as you have GSOH, shy ladies apply
  • .… Are you sure you don’t want to add that time-proven filter "slim, attractive"?
•  Racehorse, 38, putting himself out to stud Looking for greener pastures. No weeds or thistles, Fine looking stallion in search of good looking mare
  • ….. join me and live the metaphor
•  Respectable tall mid-60s gent, div. no ties, non alcoholic or gambler, no tattoo, retired, fin. sec. Good appear. Active, likes garden, dancing, bicycle, current events, trips, humor, affection, garlic prawns, calamari & more
  • …… waaay too much information
•  Hi, I am 21yo with nice blue eyes. I love boats, fishing, traveling, walking along the beachfront at nights and staying weekends away. Looking for lady 18-21 years
  • …. to carry the fishing nets, no doubt
•  52yo male seeks lady to same age. GSOH, NS, SD, Easygoing type, view to becoming the King and Queen of EBay
  • …. Sex to the highest bidder
•  Single 18yo seeking attractive, intelligent, affectionate, romantic, loving. WLTM 26yo man. I would love to meet you asap. See you soon I hope
  • …. smokin!

Our thinking herd-like, our paddocks sparse. We have a comic blend of plethoric Press and nothing happening.

Australia figures low in the world’s sheep breeding (for originality) though at its peak boasted one sixth the world’s sheep population and 28% of world wool production.

We now have similar statistics for media suits.

The broad, parched fields of this ancient continent bore Ovine insights from generations of woolly thinkers, ruminating at length on affairs internal and international. Tyranny of distance bred expansive intellect.

One recent evening newstainment, the second lead was a man’s cruelty to dogs. He was actually too kind, taking unwanted pooches, himself admitted sick to hospital, dogs unattended, the story 9 months old. The vociferous Press smeared this unfortunate, sick, old man’s character with their arrogant, sneering – duplicating their professional ethics, no doubt, with toilet paper in their bathrooms later that night.

How cheap can a headline be?

Ruminating on the throne myself, the parallel struck me of ironic inverse similarities between two smaller-than-life stories our tabloid assassins set upon (as savage dogs on an undefended old man – though in this case, perhaps, as dogs with a bone – old, well-chewed, stinks, one buries, another digs it up…) over a period of many months, to the severe exclusion of actual news – the daily grind of repetitive headlines driving the most ardent newsophiles to Survivor, Brother or Idol for relief.

[The incidents eventually morphed into a website moniker … SheepOverboard]

Story one

Boatload of unfortunate Arab refugees sprung a leak near Western Australia and the Australian Government proclaimed the soon-to-be-wet passengers threw their children overboard – despite photos showing no board to be thrown over and Navy observers, with cameras, denying this.

Story two

Boatload of equally unfortunate sheep conversely steaming to Arabia on the M.V. Corma Express. Almost as God is Just they were denied access – bugger the signed contract. [Background story - Sydney Morning Herald]

When our incisive, gallant press realized their mistake on the first item (which they chose not to before derailing a Federal election) their overreaction had the population excruciated with tears of nausea before letting the story fade.

Equally uninspiring, the Press’ chronic obsession with the second item. Despite reaching comic apogee, the beat-up on those beaten sheep went on and on and on ….

Sheep are notorious for gnawing grass to the roots, destroying their food source and despoiling their personal eco-space.

Hmm, did our ink slingers’ ancestors somehow acquire this gene …?

Cowering in the afterglow of nuclear fear, a child progeny of Western scientific democracy in the most egalitarian of lands keenly anticipated twenty-first century utopia.

Youthful optimism believed one more lifespan (his own) sufficient to complete the work begun when modern humans gasped in awe at the beauty of their first dawn.

Our eyes are the eyes through which the Earth finally beholds her own beauty" – Teilhard de Chardin

Well, here we are!

Despite the vast, intelligent, resilient, infinitely patient grazing herd’s signaled desire to be left alone in their noospheric quest, the planet is still servant to besuited crime lords, illiterate holy men and – worst – moral and political imbeciles: opinionated ideologues, cruel bully kids playing in the deadliest of toy shops.

Lacking a cape, and the ability to fly unaided, one can only poke fun at the weak, incapable, and morally bereft – those who rule or otherwise seek to control us.

Oh yes, and on behalf of those lacking the freedom to do so.

CANBERRA Jan 20, 2003   ~   Australians celebrate the Whyee Festival in September 2004, rejoicing in the burning of their nation’s capitol and ousting of Federal politicians.

 Image: Canberra burns in celebration preparatory to 2004 Federal election

The Festival, named "Whyee", an Awabakal Native Australian term for fire, originates from ancient traditions of Australian Aborigines setting fire to bush land to rejuvenate vegetation.

Preceding by a month Australia’s Federal elections, which are held every 3 to 4 years, the Whyee Festival of the Burning of Canberra was redefined in modern terms during the Eureka Stockade, a symbolic and now iconic rebellion of gold miners in the 19th century.

Deep history

In the turmoil of that uprising a lavatory, quickly recognized the perfect symbol of the nation’s capitol (then Sydney), was accidentally set ablaze. Australians, mostly derived from lower-class criminal elements of English society and with more than a rascally streak to them, decided a great time could be had at someone else’s expense by burning the buildings and belongings of their snotty masters each year- perhaps as a … yes, that’s it, a celebration!

Since no-one wanted particularly to burn down Sydney (and Melbourne was too far away), the capitol of Australia was moved to uninhabitable, desolate, worthless wasteland in central-southern New South Wales.

The settlers, mostly lower-class English migrants and relatives of uneducated soldiers and convicts (the reader ought be reminded), thought it a right lark to name the place with the Native Australian word for meeting place, "Canberra", and force their politicians to live in the godforsaken wilderness, well out of their hair.

Since establishment in 1913 with the laying of a foundation stone on Capitol Hill (which failed to burn, so the bush was set alight instead) the bizarre festival has been held in the month preceding election day ever since (preferably during hot weather).

Whyee Festival

The most recent Whyee Festival was marked for sometime September 2004, happily coinciding with the onset of spring’s hot, dry winds, and roughly a month before the October 9 elections.

Traveler and pyromaniac Janet Morton says, "The scene at Canberra is extremely cathartic and difficult to describe, but resembles a cross between a bawdy Disneyland, the Fourth of July and the end of the world!" [And that was before the festival began - Ed.]

Even today the festival has retained its satirical and working-class roots, an intent not lost on the well-to-do and faint-of-heart "Canberrians" (snigger) who, with intuitive caution befitting their politico-parasitic nature, invariably ditch out of town during Whyee.

Besides the burning of the city’s political and bureaucratic structures there are myriad other activities at the fiesta.

During the day you can check out the extensive roster of unparliamentary scraps on the charred lawns of the smoldering House of Representatives, parades of members suspended from the chambers, paella contests symbolizing exposing corruption and distribution of booty, and beauty pageants around the city comprising mistresses, whores and lobbyists of our flesh-pressing baby-kissers (their wives having been dispatched to the coast with the kids to "avoid the terrible fires").

Spontaneous fireworks displays occur everywhere in the days leading up to "Whyee", but another highlight is the daily rush for portable toilets when the Senate (forced into a circus tent beside the smoking ruins) pauses for lunch at exactly 12pm. The ground literally shakes for the next ten minutes.

Ninnys

In addition to razing the capitol’s political infrastructure, the focus of the fiesta is the creation and destruction of "ninnys".

The ninnys are extremely lifelike and usually depict bawdy, corrupt politicians. They are crafted by local political branches and take about six months to construct and, if elected, often cost upwards of A$750,000 per year plus expenses.

The ninnys remain in place until the day known as "La Crema" (not to be confused with a popular Internet café). Starting in the early evening, young men with axes chop holes in statues of outgoing representatives and stuff them with fireworks. The crowds start to chant, the streetlights are turned off, and all of the ninnys are set on fire at exactly the stroke of midnight.

Over the years, the local firemen, called "bomberos," (so named for an incident involving a water-tanker loaded with Avgas – just for a lark) have devised unique ways to assist torching the city’s buildings, like neatly covering storefronts with petrol-soaked tarpaulins.

And each year, one of the ninnys is spared from destruction by popular vote and exhibited in the local Museum of the Ninny at Yarralumla (Native Australian term for "echo," as in "empty" – a local joke not lost upon visitors and tourists – and the nation in general) along with the other relics from years past, who also live there when in town.

Sometimes things get a little out of hand.

Priceless treasure spared

The previous Whyee Festival saw bands of youths from lower-class Belconnen run amok, targeting cultural and scientific buildings normally considered sacrosanct. Sadly, the historic and world-renowned Mt. Stromlo observatory was destroyed, along with decades of research.

Locals and tourists alike were hugely relieved that only Stromlo was lost in the rampage, and not the revered and priceless cultural treasures of Cockington Green.