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Tweets from the Camel Toe   Sep30 2017

Filed under Chicanery, feature |

Not since Clampett’s tribe pitched camp by an up-market cement pond has this great nation of exceptionalism so derisively mocked, to mask a swelling pride.

As strongmen go, the vulgarian whose Olds 37 so rarely oilstains the Pennsylvania Avenue driveway is “par for the course.”

As criminal egos rate, his – lustrated by steadfast faith in a talent for the deal – shines pure as the gold plate adorning his chattels.

And in that august House where self-importance drips from ceilings, hubris clogs urinals, and egos clutter hallways like autumn leaves, a new vanity benchmark is set.

So, why is our 45th president so beloved of Americans?

A Tourette-tweeting self-made bankrupt with a penchant for camel toe, how could he not connect with the average exceptionalist Joe?

We poor, downtrodden, lowly underachievers have sorry lives to bear. But a sparkling opportunity exhilarates us: to both laud and denigrate our Commander in Thief.

Of bread and circuses, a high-carb crust needs a generous spread of prancing horses, sawdust… and clowns.

It pains, but must be said: the gravitas and statesmanlike pronouncements of the previous incumbent bored us to distraction. Eight years of serious presiding were 7 too many.

But at last – well, once again – we have a White House giant of farce in play. A consummate professional, media skills honed in a dismal reality show and social skills sharpened on hapless tenants.

What better proof of his nature than a love for that universally derided “barbarous relic” that gilds his palaces and antechambers? A contrarian indeed.

His most redeeming quality, appreciated by supporters and opponents alike, is choosing to run the nation’s affairs from a swank seaside schloss poised delicately in the local flight path. When has the secret service ensemble more often enjoyed 18 holes at a resort whilst securing the entire Florida seaboard?

If millennia of warlords have taught us non-alphas a lesson, it’s to revere the hallmark of a great despot.

Foremost – as renowned psychologists have shown, one upon the other (figuratively) – is a tyrant’s bemused gratification in the face of humiliating irony.

Indeed, this correspondent’s most savored instance was LWT’s Aspel interview of Margaret Thatcher, whose declaration “I’m always on the job” and sent an audience of cheeky Londoners into mirthful frenzy. The Iron Lady bore her proud smile with an air of perplexity.

Similarly, when our great man signs momentous epistles he haughtily flourishes the endorsement at cameras, with set of jaw and purse of lips that confirm he is not quite sure what is going on but it’s a grand occasion and he is the cause of it.

This simple humble act wins untold American hearts.

The republic and its eclectic citizenry keenly anticipate 7 more years of scintillating politics and crowning national achievement and it would disappoint us all to spend those aeons without a generous barrage of tweeted insults.

Internationally the new president is a fabulous hit.

He has energised the world stage in way not seen since Il Duce and a uniform not pending is a missed opportunity. His appearance at the United Nations excited that forum like Al Capone hosting the Nobel Prize.

He is a man of our age whose coming has transformed this nation, propelling it emblematic of freedom, equality, and opportunity.

It is the natural order that the most aggressive, militarized, evangelical nation on Earth is led by one who exhausts Roget’s synonyms for philistine.

Our nation is united in patriotic rapture.

And the giggles.