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Cacophony on the Pacific Rim   Nov 4 2013

Filed under Australiana, feature by Ewen Shearer

Before the laying of a great telephone cable Australians developed a truly odd argot.

Long isolation had deprived them of verbal reassurances from the Fatherland.

From this uncertainly came a canting cadence that is not only impossible to understand even by English-speaking visitors to this fair and lucky country, but the mere sound of which sends foreigners into hysterical mirth.

Aussie travellers exhibit flocking behaviour abroad, not due to their inability to converse in exotic tongues but because they cannot be understood by other English-speakers, anywhere on Earth – although New Zealanders Kiwi patois is believed the only foreign language natively interpreted by Strine enunciators.

Strine (the word ‘Australian’ severely corrupted) is considered by phoneticists as the ugly duckling of spoken languages, the didgeridoo in a philharmonic orchestra, the note discordant in the symphony of Earthly tongues. A cracked wheel on the train of civilisation. A flat tyre on the information highway.

This has mixed repercussions for South East Asian regional affairs.

Some have it that Australians, with such defective diction, ought have spent their entire history at wars triggered by regular misunderstandings. Yet peculiarly, to the puzzlement of foreign affairs students, the opposite is true.

Though watery separation might explain Australia’s absence from neighbourly interdictions, the truth is that Australians inadvertently disarm potential foes and forestall inevitable offence and certain reprisal due to their calamitously comical cacophonic consonance.

The weight of stenographic evidence is now overwhelming that Asian war councils discussing how to punish the Land of the Great While Racist terminate in raucous hilarity when attention turns to the nasally-nuanced nettle at fault. Militaries are stood down, allies of shared disdain adjourn for refreshments with jovial sharings of Strine-flavoured anecdotes or diplomatic dictional indiscretions.

In secret, Asians suspect that Australians field their vocal fumbles as a negotiating ploy. The weird mob of this wide brown land of the Southern Cross are considered “Nemos of Negotiation,” a term derived from ancient Cantonese for “clown fish” and roughly interpreted as “arrogant galoot between east and west.”

It is extremely important that this information does not leak into the public domain.

Australians have a very brittle pride.

Down Under


Ink Irresistable

Not the NYT Montaigne's what would I know? Huxley's almost anything about almost everything. Or Bierce and nothing matters. Codifying life's inimitable impromptu inclines irrestistably to essay.

Civilization ..

   defiles itself

Times past when warlords, priests and royalty hoarded luxury, life was a short grim struggle. Today most want for little yet still deny dignified survival to working poor, and ravage entire countries as collateral to our laissez faire fiesta.
double arrowOn not shedding a tear ..

A Century of Imperialism

     ..hasn't dulled the urge

American foreign policy never a pretty sight, finesse of the mobile crane chase from Terminator 3. Export democracy? Cure worse than disease. double arrow Read more ..


~ its own reward

And what's going on in Land of the Free, Home of the Brave? As 40% of kids fail graduation the Iraqistan wars suck $2.4 trillion [CBO 2017 est]. Imagine this staggering sum applied to rebuilding The Great Society. Think of others.
double arrow Where Charity Begins

This lazy unemployed

..crack-smoking welfare queen ran up U$15 trillion debt

lazy homeless scum
Odd how the ultra-wealthy gull even working poor to blame unemployed, disabled, weak, and vulnerable while but for the grace of God go all.

If he's a welfare leech then your soul is with the sociopaths and predators who own Warshington and its minions, the Repugnicans and Dumfocrats, gutting a once noble nation that aspired to equality.

This elite will survive the US economic train wreck, land softly on 300 million plundered taxpayers, then from fortresses of luxury and privilege prey elsewhere for spoils.

The dawn of civilization was greatly exaggerated.

Munch Montage

Painters, such a sad old bunch
None it seems more so than Munch
Upon that bridge with skies afire
A meme took flight to never tire.
2arrow gif

Quote Me

"I am an obsessive rewriter, doing one draft and then another and another. In a way I have nothing to say but a great deal to add
~ Gore Vidal

"Rulers of state are the only ones who should have the privilege of lying" (Well, that explains the last 2500 years)
~ Plato

"By 'known unknowns' I was referring to the universe's dark matter.."
~ Donald Rumsfeld

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